Letters I will never send: coworkers edition.

To my coworkers:

Visible panty lines are not work appropriate.  Come to think of it, they are not life appropriate.  Before you leave the house, do me a favor: look in the mirror.  Then change your underpants.  Thank you.

In an office like ours, the filing system is so very important.  Take some time at home and review "your alphabets."  Because you clearly need some extra practice and I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING I NEED WHEN I NEED IT.

If while you are sitting around pretending to be productive, you notice everyone around you doing actual work, you know, because we are busy as hell...you might consider doing some of that "work" as well.

Slang is appropriate in social settings, but not in an email to your District Manager.  Not if he is going to take any of us seriously.  Stop making me look like a fool.

I'm gonna need you to stop buying into these customers' sob stories.  They all have one.  And it is none of our business.  Our business is the binding contract which they signed, and holding them to it.  That is YOUR JOB.  Toughen up.  So we can make money.

We spend as much time -- sometimes more -- together, as we do with our families.  All the negative energy is draining.  Let's just try to make each other less miserable.  I don't have to like you, but I'm going to make an effort to be less of a bitch.  Please do the same.


Thankssomuch.

I freaking hate Mother's Day.

I'm just gonna be honest.

It's a day that throws your grief in your face if your "mother" is no longer here.  There are days I miss her more than others, of course...but holidays, ughhhhhhhhh.  They still suck.  Not entirely.  But partially, each and every one.

Plus I feel like I have to play this role with my mom and her family.  Like she's my "mother."  Like she ever was, or always has been, or even that the day applies to her at ALL.  It pisses me off.  She is not now, nor has she ever been anything but Johnnie.  Not my mother.

And then with my kids.  They don't mean to, I know.  BUT they misbehaved all day.  I scolded and talked through my teeth and took things away and separated them all day.  It was no holiday.  Their father didn't say a word.  I just...

I think I need a vacation.  Today was THAT bad.

Peace out to The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know

I guess it's fair to say that I've abandoned this space.  Which is sad for me, but also not.  I used to use my blog as a record, a blaze of memories, and a way to work through the private in a completely public way that just no longer seems necessary.  I still had my old blog subscription in my reader, and about a week ago saw that there was a new post.  Some other "dumbest smart girl" took the URL.  I sent daggers through the internets, not gonna lie.  BUT what can I do?  It's her spot now, to make what she wants of it.  After blogging for four years, I'm not sure if I'm burnt out, or too obsessed with FB and Pinterest to make the time, or so tied up with the kids and work that it's no longer a priority...it just doesn't fit right now.  Maybe it will again.

crack is whack, yo.

WHY in THE hell is addiction such a recurring theme in my life?

Whitney Houston, why doesn't anyone seem to be feeling what I am about your death?  I'm pissed.  You had an amazing, straight from God with a gold bow talent.  Your life was glamorous, you had a child, your career was a dream.  You had a drug problem and all the freaking money in the world behind you to get help to overcome it.  Yet you threw everything, down to the air you breathed, away for your addiction.  High five!

How sickeningly sad.  And I can't bear to hear another person talk about how amazing she was unless it's followed by, "AND THEN SHE RUINED IT."  Because what they say is true, but that's the whole truth.

Ugly

What could make you leave your children?  I can't imagine.  Can't think of anything big enough, important enough.  Can't rationalize the demons, the selfishness.  Can't.  Being a mother is the most important job we will ever have.  How dare you fuck it up, face to the wind of the irreparable damage on which I can speak first-hand?  I hope its worth it.

Melissa
(Making junkies smile since 1982...you heard me.)

Dark and twisty.

Gram,

Today marks three and a half years that you've been gone, and lady, I need a chat.

I am down in the dumps.  Lonely, discouraged...and just sad.  I know we have tendencies of depression, this family...I have hit a rough patch.  I need it to be okay to be sad for awhile.  Why are people so against that?  Sometimes just giving in to feeling is a relief. 

I wish you were here. 

Rex would be the best cuddle buddy you've ever had and read you his dinosaur book.  Gen would brush your hair and you could teach her a thing or two million about being a lady.  They would make you smile so hard it hurts.  You would remind me that nothing is as bad as it seems.  You would soothe me and remind me that with time, it gets better...and look how fast it goes.

Three and a half years, just like that.  I miss you.

Love you more!

Oh honey!

Gram,

You always had a soft spot for my girls.  They really were your girls, too.  Keep an eye on them and their families for me.  Tough, sad, and scary things  going on.  Keep them safe, strong, and knowing that they are loved. 

I miss you, lady.  Love you more!

P.S.  Gen is planning a tea party.  Make it your business to be there.  :) 

peace

2011, thank you.  You reminded me of what matters most - people, love.  I am so blessed.  The things that get me down, even drive me downright crazy...big picture, molehills.  Because thinking back, they don't come to mind at all.  There are mostly smiles.  And for that, I am so appreciative.
Yesterday, one of my favorite people on earth lost her mother.  She seems so at peace with the loss, truly full of grace.  My heart is heavy, for all they have been robbed of, how unfair the cards they were dealt have been.  But she is not weighed down with that mess.  It is beside the geater point: now, after all, is the peace her mother so deserves.  And that?  That is beautiful, and I believe welcomed by everyone who loves her.  I am in awe.  Such lovely people. 

"doin' big things"

Just over a year ago, my mom and I were shoe shopping for the kids.  One of the other stores in the plaza had a "now hiring" sign in the window, and Johnnie suggested I pop in.  I had been applying for any and every job for months at this point, so though I didn't have any real interest, I went.  On the spot interview, paperwork, second interview, training packet.  Boom boom BOOM!
I was leary about my fit.  It's an industry I knew nothing about.  I had been home with the kids for a long time.  Training boosted my confidence, though.  I went into the store, ready to show off what i'd been working hard on...and was blindsided by the knowledge I still lacked, the crazy fast pace, the sheer volume of customers.  I wondered if I could do the job...but gave it time. 
Apparently, that's all I needed.  Before I knew it, I rocked the house.  I was waiting on more people, faster and with fewer errors than people who have worked there for years.  I started training new employees.  Then was given a specialized position, and am now a manager.  In a year!
...but I always thought I'd do great things, career-wise.  Greater than this.  But that doesn't mean I can't be proud of making strides in the right direction.  Up, up, UP!!!
A year ago, I never would have seen this happening.  But here I am.  I made it happen.  And I'm not stopping here!

Casting call!

http://bravelyobey.blogspot.com/2011/11/we-want-you.html

In the movie version of your life, which actor/actress would play you and the significant players in your life? What kind of movie is it (e.g., made-for-TV, action, emo/indie, etc.)? What would be the major plot points, and how will it end?

I must have one of those faces...I get celebrity comparisons all the damn time - from Debra Messing to "that chick from Resident Evil."  I smile, give my thanks, but never really see it.  But I'm picking, so I wanna be Evangeline Lily, you know, Kate from Lost.  We look similar, and she seems so tough to me.  I want to come off that tough in real life.  The 'don't mess with me' type.

My dad would be a kevin kostner type.  Gram, for the sake of a good flashback or "shes watching over us" scene, the honorable Betty White.The ex, Jake Gyllenhaal.  Handsome, charming, smile to die for.  My mom is the spiritual sister of Roxy from Army Wives, so maybe makeup could add some wrinkles, because no one could do Johnnie better.  The bff's: Veronica has to be someone so funny.  I think the indian lady on the office, full of sexcapades.  Jenni would be sookie from gilmore girls, the kind of person that makes your heart smile.  Sarah needs to be Yang from greys.  Because she tells the best stories and  with that dark curly big hair, it's perfect.  Jeannie, Joy Behar.  Red hair, sarcastic, cracks me up.  Rex has to be the Home Alone boy, and Gen, a modern day Shirley Temple, complete with a song and dance number.

Oh my gosh...what a fun movie!  Somebody should jump on this, stat!
:)

11/11/11

Thank you.  For sleeping with me when I was too afraid to be alone.  For making me read to you while you washed dishes.  "Go back.  Spell it to me.  Now read it again."  For chatting with me while I waited for the school bus in the mornings, usually updating me on the previous day's GH.  For teaching me your tricks, from learning my 9's times tables to folding fitted sheets.  For sharing the stories of your heart, with a metal box in your lap.  For Polish sausage and sauerkraut -- yours was amaaaaaazing!  For flowers.  For chatting with my friends over tea.  For rolling my hair and making me look like a ridiculous Shirley Temple on every school picture day until I was old enough to protest.  Looking back, they're pretty adorable.  :)  For indulging in my "I need new clothes.  For school" claims, even though I wore a uniform.  For the "Do I look like your maid?" and "This house is not a junk shop" comments.  I use them now with a smile.  For the numbers.  (Dad's new store address?  466 (our house).  His apartment number?  708 (our area code)  You'd be 85 today, and 8+5=13.  Lucky.)  For laughing at yourself.  When I think of you, you're always smiling at me, and it warms my heart.  Thank you.  For your love.  I carry it with me always.
Thank you.
I miss you so much!  Happy birthday, Gram.

P.(L).S. In honor of your bday and those numbers, I'm totally buying some lottery tickets today...at the grocery store...WITH A CHECK.   When everyone in line behind me groans, I'll be smiling, thinking of YOU!

suburrrrrrbannn

I fell in love with DePaul from brochure pictures.  LINCOLN freaking PARK.  I pictured my early twenties spent there, the brownstones, the trees, the hustle and bustle with trains and cars whizzing by.  I was sold.

But things didn't go as planned and I ended up back in the suburbs.  Just 45 minutes away from where I figured I'd be...and I've had a taste of the spectrum.  I dated a country guy, his family living on a farm , raising show horses and dairy cows.  I was completely out of my element.  I dated a guy who loved the city, his friend an editor for an up-and-coming magazine, invited to restaurant and club openings galore.  The fancy clothes, the ridiculous amount money spent.  "VIP" doesn't impress this lady.  I felt sooo out of place.

I'm totally suburban -- in the middle of the country and city gals.  No cowboy boots, but no 3 1/2 inch heels.  I'm a cute pair of flats and a big ass, broken in purse.

Looking for apartments with Dad, I found myself jealous.  Rogers Park is adorable.  In another life, I see myself there.  The street art, mom and pop restaurants, diversity, neighborhood pubs, the public transportation, the beach a block away.  I would've loved it.  But kids?  Nah.  Kids need a yard, a neighborhood where you know they'll be safe, quiet nights in a building where the only food you smell is what your mama made for dinner.  We are where we belong.

But I'm not gonna lie: I think a piece of my heart lives in the city.  Maybe like my dad, I'll get my chance to let it later.  Wouldn't that be awesome?